We all long for comfort, whether it is physical creature comforts or comforts of the soul. We will do what we need to do to get warm, seek shelter from a storm or even to have a comfortable place to sleep. In a similar way, we will go where we find comfort for the soul. Without comfort our souls will dry up. Marriage is not only union of the body and spirit but union of the soul. If every wife or husband understood this then there would be few divorces. Divorce begins with the neglect of comfort for each other. Comfort to a wife is not the same as what comfort is to a husband. A husband and a wife must learn how to love each other with understanding and knowledge.
And this I pray, that your love may abound still more and more in real knowledge and all discernment, Philippians 1:9
A husband needs to learn to love his wife in an understanding way.
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, I Peter 3:7a
He needs to understand her and her unique needs and desires. The understanding of a man’s wife can only come from God. The fear of the Lord is what will cause Him to listen to what the Lord says. If a husband makes himself attentive to the Lord then he will learn how to love his wife and he will be blessed all the days of his life. A wife who feels loved by her husband will live to please him.
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, And the knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. Proverbs 9:10
The Lord is the One who made woman and He understands her better than she even understands herself. Every wife is different and uniquely made for her husband.
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18
A wife is a gift from the Lord to a man. A man was made from the earth and understands the earth and the world. He feels at home in the world. A woman was made from man and she is oftentimes insecure in the world. She was made to create a home and her home is a major part of her world. A woman relates to people since she was made from a person and she generally has a greater need for friends and relationships.
So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. Genesis 2:21,22
A woman needs to feel honored and valued as well as feeling loved. When a man is crude or profane then a woman will feel of less worth. It is important that a husband show his wife honor in every way, by the way he talks around her, including withholding profanity or vulgar jokes and also by his actions, including his manners, cleanliness and by the way he clothes himself. In other words, he needs to treat her better than any other human being and if he is wise he will treat her like a queen. A woman becomes how she is treated. A woman feels loved when she is honored and through the kind of attention she receives. If her husband shows no interest in the things that interest her then she will go where someone does show interest in her and will give her the attention she longs for. In other words, a woman receives comfort and love through attention, honor and love.
You husbands in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with someone weaker, since she is a woman; and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered. I Peter 3:7
Another way that a man can communicate comfort and love to his wife is if he treats her with great respect by exercising moral excellence before they are married. If he waits for the gift of physical intimacy until after marriage then she will always feel like a lady. If he defrauds her and takes what is not his yet to take then he will make her feel “cheap” after they are married. He will only be robbing himself of the pleasures and comfort that God designed for him to have for many many years. She was deceived before they were married and thought that it was “love” but after marriage she will realize that it was not “love” but lust. She will also realize her own immorality and when she is intimate after marriage it will be a reminder to her of her own failure. He will have destroyed the worth of his wife and in destroying her worth he will have contributed to the destruction of love in his own marriage.
For by these He has granted to us His precious and magnificent promises, so that by them you may become partakers of the divine nature, having escaped the corruption that is in the world by lust. Now for this very reason also, applying all diligence, in your faith supply moral excellence, and in your moral excellence, knowledge, and in your knowledge, self-control, and in your self-control, perseverance, and in your perseverance, godliness, and in your godliness, brotherly kindness, and in your brotherly kindness, love. II Peter 1:4-7
A marriage is like a house that must be built. Marriage does not just happen. If it is to be strong then it must have the right foundation and be built of the right material.
For no man can lay a foundation other than the one which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. I Corinthians 3:11
Wise is the man that builds his marriage wisely on the right foundation of Jesus Christ and His Word and uses the right materials of God’s wisdom and love.
By wisdom a house is built,
And by understanding it is established; Proverbs 24:3
When a husband builds his marriage according to God’s ways then it will take his heart and his soul. He will to give to his wife what is the most precious to him. He will give her his treasure and in giving her his treasure he will give her his heart. One of his treasures is his time for that is what a man values. When he gives his wife his treasures then he is giving her his heart.
for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:21
A woman first becomes unfaithful to her husband because of a lack of comfort from her husband. A wife feels loved and comforted through the time and attention that her husband gives her. When these are neglected then she is vulnerable to the time and attention that other men would love to give her. Of course they do not love her but are only “lusting” after her and preying upon her need to feel loved. If they loved her then they would honor her marriage vows. Instead, when they give her attention and “love”, then they are not only bringing about their own destruction but her destruction as well.
When you make a vow to God, do not be late in paying it; for He takes no delight in fools. Pay what you vow! It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay. Do not let your speech cause you to sin and do not say in the presence of the messenger of God that it was a mistake. Why should God be angry on account of your voice and destroy the work of your hands? For in many dreams and in many words there is emptiness. Rather, fear God. Ecclesiastes 5:4-7
Marriage vows are vows made to God. Even if a wife does not receive the love and comfort that she longs for from her husband, the Lord is able to comfort her and show her His love. There is never any reason to leave her husband. When she leaves or divorces her husband then she is removing all responsibility from him and helping relieve him of his guilt. The Lord tells her not to leave her husband.
But to the married I give instructions, not I, but the Lord, that the wife should not leave her husband I Corinthians 7:10
A husband is responsible for his wife. He is to love her with the love of Christ. She is to respect him and submit to her husband. The Lord can put much greater pressure on a husband if he is not fulfilling his responsibilities. If a wife will be the wife that God designed her to be then she will have an inner joy and peace that will be greater than her suffering.
In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. I Peter 3:1,2
The Lord is able to comfort a wife with His comfort. Oftentimes the Lord allows us to go through struggles because He has a greater purpose. Don’t waste your suffering but learn what He wants you to learn and become the person that He wants you to become.
but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands; just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. I Peter 3:4-6
Often a wife will be tempted to leave her husband because of fear. God’s love is greater than her fears. If she will learn to trust God, even as Sarah did and obeyed her husband, then you will see the Lord act on your behalf even as He did for Sarah. The Lord would not allow anyone or anything to touch Sarah. Sarah grew strong in faith and in doing so, God was pleased with Sarah and gave her what her heart desired.
By faith even Sarah herself received ability to conceive, even beyond the proper time of life, since she considered Him faithful who had promised. Hebrews 11:11
Marriage vows are vows made to God. Keep your vows. Be faithful to the Lord. The Lord is a rewarder of those who seek Him and seek to be faithful to Him. His rewards are greater than any comfort that you “think” could come elsewhere.
And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. Hebrews 11:6